#12

Whistles, Bells and Sighs.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 10:29:27 GMT

Okay, so after almost a month away from this 'blog' (i honestly detest that word) nobody took the previous entry to mean that I've moved to http://hellogoodbyehello.wordpress.com, though the entire entry was littered with links to the site. Anyhow, this probably reflects my current state of being - between two phases of life. In the same way I've told practically everyone that I'm leaving in August, not many have come to realise that I'm leaving or going. Don't worry, neither have I.

I write this with much 'inspiration' from my cousin's own ennui. I think most of us feel the same way but there is nothing to be done about it. There isn't much sympathy or empathy from the adults, who like to say "well get up off your ass and do something!" I wonder why there was that rift between children and adults. I foolishly thought that one would remember what it was like to be a child. I hope I'll never forget the happiest time of my life.

Well, in about 2 months the time for university to begin will arrive. Time to pack your bags and go. Time to grow up, perhaps? I have no idea. I'm pushing 19 and a half, without a clue if I'm supposed to be an adult or a teenager.
I have no clue why I'm writing this either.

Hello! Goodbye!

Fri, 16 May 2008 07:26:36 GMT

I say high, you say low
You say why, and I say I don't know
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello

More Than Lucky

Tue, 13 May 2008 16:39:46 GMT

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been

Its more than luck really. Yes I'm gonna be across a sea, but I'll meet you on this island once again.

Love Us Still

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 16:00:55 GMT

Early let us seek Thy favour
Early let us do Thy will
Blessed Lord and only Saviour
With Thy love our bosoms fill
Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus
Thou hast loved us, love us still
Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus
Thou hast loved us, love us still

Slowly now..

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:15:28 GMT

it hasn't been made into a big deal yet that i'll be leaving soon, though most preparations and long-term plans are all made towards that point. although to me it doesn't seem like i'm leaving, but certain things sadden my heart terribly. Too many to say.
Week in and week out, i'm only more convinced that I might as well already be gone - almost completely isolated from any friends (doesn't help that some are locked in camps for most of the week and that i'm not one of the 'guys'), my presence doesn't make a difference/indifferent to my presence/emotionally absent or physically absent from those i wish to be with/be there for...
i already can tell what's going to happen and i know i'm powerless to stop it. I see it each week, more and more - i'm slipping away, slowly disappearing from your lives. i've come to accept that it isn't a bad thing, my life and everything is not about me. I no longer life, but Christ lives in me... still holding onto my importance and worth in the eyes of others, i'm learning to let go.
there are many things i go through (week in and out) like bible study and work, each is a lesson in learning to lose and die to myself, to let Christ live in me. (Yes, i do realise I'm spelling it out radically. I've not gone bonkers.) I can't make you interested in my life and I can't make things The Way They Used To Be (like going through another course of IB is not a good idea!) The point isn't to make you Sad That I Am Leaving, because I know you're not. (you refering to general readers who may or maynot be acquaintances)

the reactions i've collected are a string of awws. that's it, some interesting comments about my relationship but mostly the "aww that's so far away"s. its interesting that none have asked me how i feel about leaving. it is assumed that i can't wait to dump my home and loved ones to move across the globe to study, hence i must have no feelings. the harsh reality of being there completely on my own, knowing nobody (pls dont give me that crap about technology - the more i use it, the more i distrust it) frightens me. I already forsee many desperate moments crying alone and praying. but hey, haven't i already done that quite a few times in my life? so i might as well be gone and that's probably not necessarily a bad thing.

anyway, this is me.. slowly leaving. Don't worry, you won't notice it.

Online Existence

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 16:24:03 GMT

I see no point in existing online any longer. Honestly and truly.
I know I will completely disagree with that when I leave, but I might as well leave now.
Days of empty work without people to relate to is reallyreallyreally, getting to me.
There's block leave and the whole factor of the type of friendships i make.

ah well, i only have myself to blame for that.

I also know I won't be leaving people behind. They'll be moving on without me, while I'm stuck in the timewarp of when we knew each other.

So remember kids, if you don't exist online - you still exist in offline.

If Not.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:11:35 GMT

Random thoughts
reminder - you need context, don't assume.

-------------

Can't meet in school or gather where school-people do.. Can't talk to them often..
All the Can'ts and absences on my part willl result in the loss of it all. So I'm trying to salvage what's left, but there'll eventually be nothing. The entire community has long been disbanded and gone. So I guess, this'll show who are really friends with whom.. but there's only one to blame for not making the effort to arrange, contact or speak.Maybe, trying is useless then. No time and perhaps nothing to salvage..
Seems to me, if you don't make enough effort or enough time during this period to meet up with friends, you'll lose them. Great.

At "work", your presence makes no difference but your absence is starkly obvious. In the lives of others, your absence often makes no difference and your presence is starkly obviously, awkward.
I once thought I might as well leave now, or as early as possible, here/there - no difference. Might as well be gone.

YIIKES. Oh well.

-------------

I'll be on a plane/travelling on my 20th o_O

Ok enough rants. Might be moving this soon. I don't know who reads this, it frightens me at who does.

Not Funny.

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 08:57:18 GMT

I hate being in this phase. The prevalent theme is Uncertainty.
Everything is so uncertain and so unsure. But nobody understands that, nobody cares. Especially those who are apparently Of The Adult Realm. You are given absolutely no respite.
Frustrated with conflicting "work" schedules and demands of unrealistically a slow driving process (or other such prior commitments)?
"Welcome to the Real World/Life"

I wish they would stop saying that. Because this is really a fragile and horrible phase. If "real life" can be so miserable, so lonely, so unforgiving and frustrating - its not worth living for.

I'm thankful that there is more to life than this. My struggles and tensions are not a waste.
For salvation and hope, thank You Lord. There's no other reason to live.

Hebrews 12: 1- 3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

People, people, people.

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 03:32:12 GMT

Its starting to feel strange and I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to say "hi" or drop a note to people I miss/haven't seen in a while. I almost daren't. I dare not try to reconnect, only to find they don't miss you. They don't particularly want you around - they've moved on.

At least, that's the way it seems.

Hello you.

Founders.

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 02:54:24 GMT

After much internal debate, my body clock took over and decided not to go to Founders. I eventually (and literally) sprang out of bed when my Wonder Woman alarm clock scared the shiz out of me. Stupid, bloodly loud alarm clock ruined my Saturday sleep-in. Well, Wonder Woman had her revenge. I stubbed my toe while cursing at her and promptly got back into bed. HA! Wonder Woman - you fail!
Why I am narrating my morning with my alarm clock?

Anyhoo, to justify my absence at Founders I went to my grandmother's place to teach a 5-year-old to read. Somehow boys are harder, girls sit down and read easily. But I love this boy - did I mention he is future-ACS-boy? He's not there yet but already exudes the common, stereotypical qualities of such boys - extremely cheeky, witty, imaginative... AND one of the most dramatic and expressive readers I've met. He's only 5! Ok 5 and a half. Terribly bright promise as a comic. He just needs to read properly instead of memorising half of the books, stop infering from the pictures and making up his own sentences to make the story flow.

So there you have it, I was grooming a future AC boy. Sorry to those who thought I'd be there. Nobody particularly told me "i'm going, you better be there". Hmmm, maybe Mel did. Sorry Mel!!

Happy Founders Oldam dauntless hero!

Mixed Messages.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 03:13:53 GMT

I hurriedly sent a message to the boy's mum, warning her of the escapee in her area. The following ensued..
(paraphrased)
"Hi Auntie L. Have you heard of what's happening at SCGS? Please lock up and take care."
"No sweet. Did some one get raped and was the culprit caught?"

Lol, we both laughed at her rather vivid immediate response.

But seriously, this is too close for comfort. That's my school, my home. The area's practically my 'hometown'. I know surreal is not the right word (recall: Ferd/Jamie Tan's powerpoint on what surrealism actually is, ie Dali.) but it is rather abnormal in a illogical sense. Its like - what, rapist? No, terrorist. o_O

My father messages me from overseas and I tell him of the happenings. He promptly tells me to "watch out for the bad guy", at least he didn't say "baddie".

I feel like cabbing to work. Ivan's mocking me for my fear, but I've come to realise - I probably have more reason to be afraid of living in Boston.

Home

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 16:02:06 GMT

Its all so close to home, its freaking me out.

Inquiry

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 03:46:09 GMT

is there anyone with <42pts going back for founders?
i don't want to lug my sorry, lonesome ass back just to find i'm the only un-prizeworthy soul there.

wait, so why am I going back?

namadgii!!!!!

Thoughts

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:31:23 GMT

There's something about returning and leaving that stirs up thoughts..
I left feeling and knowing that I've left a wonderful time in that place. A time that has come and gone, and will never be again. Being 'back' was odd and strange, rather than comforting to be "home".
This in-between phase is odd, strange and sad, if you'd like it to be. The transition is stark. There's a sudden vaccum of people, friends. Like I predicted, the entire community we toiled 2 years simply vanished. We know for certain where we have left, yet we do not know where we are going.. what's going to happen.

Another thing..I wondered - if i ever became a teacher, would I be a good one? Liked & respected by students, capable with communicating ideas, make interesting lessons and make my students think...?
I wonder. We'll see.

Well it was good to see people, like the dude in the cap watching the Oscars (Kentay) and the SAC ball-snatchers..
I miss saying "eh, your that one'

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:58:33 GMT

I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you.

Meme youyou

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 03:03:24 GMT

Becca made me do this. Since I miss Becca, I'm doing this. LOL

This is called the 123 meme.

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

=====

From "What We Say Goes", Noam Chomsky (interviews with David Barsamian)

Hannah Arendt wrote, "Imperialism would have necessitated the invention of racism as the only possible 'explanation' and excuse for its deeds, even if no race-thinking had ever existed in the civilized world." Does imperialism require racism?
There is a lot of truth to that. Modern racism is to a substantial extent a consequence of imperial conquest.

I added one more sentence..

Lists

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 15:49:51 GMT

I'll start on my lists, tomorrow.

New Every Morning.

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 15:05:23 GMT

This has been on my mind for about a week.
Your attitude towards life and the future is a choice. In anticipation of the future, I have chosen the attitude to take.
I will view everything as new. A new phase of life, with a new school, a new home, a new bed, new people and friends. New circumstances in relationships with friends and family.

I know I will leave much behind and much is bound to change. There is a time for everything, everything is beautiful in its time - the time the Lord created for it. Change is not necessarily bad, it is only painful because we cling onto what we know and so furiously try to make them stay the same.

I've learnt that can be one of the most painful things - to try and cling onto friendships, make them work, give everything you have, even utter a magic spell to keep the friendship going. I read once that change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go. If there's one thing I've learnt about letting go, is that God honours those who trust in Him and freely let go. Let go because you know from where all things come. Let go because you know the source of all things bright and beautiful.

Everything will be different, everything is. Everything is not what I know them to be, everything is not what I want them to be. Everything I know is gone, everything I want I do not have. But everything I need, I have. For my Lord, is my everything. Everything is new.

Lamentations 3:22-24
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

Adjusting

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 03:28:46 GMT

It is done, it is set. Finalised. All those options have been distilled, possiblities confined to a single reality. I'm actually going.
It really hasn't quite sunk in yet and I'm not used to it. The rest are gone, I really shouldn't be checking ucas anymore. But I did and I got econs&pol sci at Bristol. But I'm not going there. Its not that I don't want to go to US.

I'm just not used to it yet.
I'm going, I'm really going. Wow.

Can I take you with me?

2nd Annual

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 16:15:23 GMT

2 years' supply of ice cream is a great prize. A lifetime's worth would be fantastic. But the choice isn't mine to make.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time Ive held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
Its just as well for all Ive seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And youre the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
Thats if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And youre the only one who knows

Frogs

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 15:18:55 GMT

I find it hard to understand when you tell someone, say a random friend or person on the street, how you feel and how things look for you now, they hardly believe you. They tell you its not the way you think it is, try to convince you to that the grass is still green when you see yellow. You're not alright, there's something wrong with your vision, something wrong with you.

I'd tell you - its difficult, it isn't easy. But this is temporary, awkward time. Life isn't going to be like this, it isn't meant to be. So slug it out, chin up. Remember you're not alone.

I need something more engaging than this internshippy thing.
Anyway, I think I AM bound. So I'm going to Boston in the Fall. Wow.

Alone - W.H. Auden.
Each lover has some theory of his own
About the difference between the ache
Of being with his love, and being alone:

Why what, when dreaming, is dear flesh and bone
That really stirs the senses, when awake,
Appears a simulacrum of his own.

Narcissus disbelieves in the unknown;
He cannot join his image in the lake
So long as he assumes he is alone.

The child, the waterfall, the fire, the stone,
Are always up to mischief, though, and take
The universe for granted as their own.

The elderly, like Proust, are always prone
To think of love as a subjective fake;
The more they love, the more they feel alone.

Whatever view we hold, it must be shown
Why every lover has a wish to make
Some kind of otherness his own:
Perhaps, in fact, we never are alone.

This Life

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 14:49:33 GMT

This current phase of life sucks. Uncharted and empty. I don't know if its just me but there seems to be no one here. Even if I were to stand in the midst of a crowded street, there would be no one. Everyday passes dully, in and out .
From home desk to work desk, in front of the screen, then home again. Home to only miss eating with everyone. I hate this and I'm tired.
They say to stick it out 'cos that's life. If work life's like that, then I don't want this life.

I need to start doing something I want to do and stop doing things for other people.

All the Lonely People

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 03:15:26 GMT

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near
Look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

All the lonely people (Ah, look at all the lonely people)
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people (Ah, look at all the lonely people)
Where do they all belong?

People.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:03:49 GMT

Perhaps, to put the last entry into context:

I've been thinking and seeing the ugliness of the world lately. I miss having familiar environments with people who know you and who care. Being out in the world each day, anonymous, stuck in a crowd of selfish, inconsiderate people.
I guess such anonymity and lack of concern for others is good when you want to cry alone in the MRT.

Its really amazing grace that God loved so that He sacrified His own Son to save us. Just walk in Orchard or any downtown MRT station alone, its rather obvious.

In tears, limping with a thorn in the side.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 14:39:23 GMT

When the thought came to mind the other day, it horrified me. How can a person not listen to another's struggles or woes and offer any comfort? Especially if its a friend. How is that possible? How can anyone be so self-centred, concerned with their own insecurities to that extent? Is that even a person? How can you not feel for another? How can you not feel for people who have been there for you at your lowest hour? How can all you spout be your own concerns, complains, complains and more complains? Even when others are struggling? How can you take them down with your woes too? How can you always unload your burdens on to friends and not reciprocate? Or even try?
Can you still claim that you love others? What happened to patience, kindness, gentleness?
No person can heal the world, have the answer to every question. God and God alone can. But He uses people, friends, family to show His love for us.

The weekend hasn't been completely satisfactory but I'm glad to come and say (with all my heart) that the Lord is exceedingly gracious and good!

:)

Revelations 21:1-4
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."